​Recently, I was sitting in the lobby of a medical center in NYC waiting to go back and speak to postdocs. I was early, as I usually am, and I just let myself look out the window at the lovely day and watch the diverse people passing through the lobby. As I did this, my mind wandered and made some connections. While I was just sitting there, a bit bored and daydreaming, I came up with the ideas for three different blog posts, including this one. I actually wasn’t trying to think of blog ideas or anything in particular. These ideas just came to me!
 
If I had been on my phone, scrolling through social media, looking at apps, or texting with someone, my attention would have been there. It would have been focused. I would never have come up with new ideas or made connections about events in my life and well-being topics.
 
It is only when our mind slides around, we daydream, and we let ourselves be bored that our creativity can emerge. In those times, our brains can make useful connections and come up with insightful ideas. To be creative, we need mental space and a free-flowing kind of energy.
 
Neuroscience has recently discovered the default mode network (DMN). Scientists used to think there was not much going on in our brains when we were not focused on a task. Then, with the improvement of imaging techniques, they realized that when we are not “doing anything”, our DMN is quite busy. This network is active when we are in rest or not engaged in a specific task. The DMN is also dynamic, interacting with other areas of the brain and making connections. It’s when we daydream, think about our lives, remember things, create our story of ourselves, and reflect on our relationships. It is also when our brain can make all kinds of associations, and our creativity can emerge.
 
It can actually be harmful to many areas of mental functioning when we don’t give our DMN some time and space in our lives. It can lead to difficulties in introspection, self-reflection, and processing memories of the day. Not allowing our DMN to roam also may have negative impact on our mental well-being, our cognitive functioning, and our imagination. Finally, mental flexibility allows us to switch between different mental states, and if we don’t let our DMN have space, we may have more trouble adapting to changing situations.  
 
As people now jump on their phones whenever they are the least bit bored, such as when they are walking, in line at the store, or in an elevator, they are missing out on these rich opportunities to be creative and thoughtful. Boredom is not a bad word, and it is when we are in this mental space that we can really create.
 
So let yourself be bored more. Put down your phone and look out the window. Watch people around you at the store. Let your mind wander when you are walking someplace. You will probably be pleasantly surprised at what you think up and realize how rich boredom can be.

​I made my Uber driver cry the other day. I really didn’t mean to.
 
I seem to have a superpower where, if I look at someone, they will tell me things about themselves that are private or painful. And sometimes they burst into tears. I am reminded of Spiderman: with great power comes great responsibility. This often feels like a gift, but occasionally, like when I make my Uber driver cry, it can feel like a curse.
 
I love talking to drivers. They are often nice and hard-working people, and many are from other countries, which gives me an opportunity to learn about other places and cultures. And sometimes foods! For example, I recently learned about a root vegetable often used in African cooking that I was not familiar with.
 
The other day, I was on my way to the train station to give a talk in NYC, and my driver was a lovely man from the Dominican Republic, or the DR. He didn’t speak English well, so I was excited to be able to practice my Spanish. We chatted about his work outside of driving, what he likes about the DR, and his children, who are in the US and the DR. I asked when he was going to be able to visit the DR next, and he burst into tears. Not trickle-down-your-cheeks tears but full-out sobbing. I felt so awful, and I apologized. And he was embarrassed, apologizing.
 
I obviously had touched a painful nerve, and as I sat there feeling so bad and trying to help him feel ok about his reaction, I was once again reminded that we are all walking around in pain. We all have some level of pain or grief that we are living with. We may generally feel ok and smile, but if you touch a nerve or ask the right question, you will find that we all have pain.
 
If you touched my nerve, I would tell you about how my father has Alzheimer’s. Much of him is now gone, at least much of what makes him my father.  My dad is still here, and I can interact and talk with him, and he knows who I am, but I walk around under this cloud of grief that I am not sure how to process. If you touch my husband’s nerve, he might tell you about his brother’s death or cut-offs in his family.
 
What would someone hear if you told them about your pain?
 
Use this reminder to realize that we all suffer, and we are all human. Be kind to others, and try to give them grace and the benefit of the doubt. And when you can, smile and offer your attention and listening. Our attention and caring are our best gifts.

We all have so much going on in our lives that it is easy to go through our days distracted- texting or emailing on our phone, thinking about the next thing we have to do for work, planning when we have to leave to pick up our child, and more.  When our mind and our attention are on something other than what we are experiencing, we are not mindful.
 
I talk a lot about the importance of being in the present. You’ve seen me write about it many times before because it’s really important. When we are mindful, we are calmer, our well-being benefits, we feel happier, and it helps our life not feel like it is just speeding by.
 
I’m a big fan of bringing mindfulness into my everyday life: just being present doing something I am already doing. One great way to be more present is to do what I call “have a moment”. Look for an opportunity to acknowledge or be present with another person, and it doesn’t have to be someone you know well or even at all. You can have a moment when you smile at someone on the street, say hi to your cashier, or complain about how the stirrer is too short to reach the bottom of your coffee cup to someone next to you in a café. It feels good to connect with someone else, even if only for a moment.
 
It has us feel acknowledged. We have all had times where we can move through our days and not experience this simple validation. We all want to be seen in life. Having someone see you feels good and validating.
 
I was reminded of this earlier today when I had a moment with Amir. I joined my local Y recently to be able to start swimming again. I love swimming and haven’t done this in years. When Amir checked me in early this morning, I said, “thanks, Amir” and started walking towards the locker room.  He literally did a double-take, with his head swiveling towards me. He seemed so surprised, and he asked, “did you just say my name?” I told him I had and teased him, asking if he knew mine. He did.
 
When I was leaving the Y, I let him know that I get to see his smiling face each week, so of course I wanted to know his name. He was smiling larger than I had ever seen and seemed so pleased. All I had done was remember his name and acknowledge him, and this meant so much to him. We chatted about our weekend for a minute, and then I left. It really had me feeling good, that we had a moment and that I could see how positive it was for him too.
 
I encourage you to “have a moment” today. Put down your phone and look around you when you walk someplace. Find someone else not on their phone and smile or say hi. You’ll see how it helps you feel more present and positive in your life, and as you do this more intentionally, the ripple effects will be lovely.

If you read my blogs, you may know that I love houseplants. In fact, my living room and bedroom resemble a jungle. A few years ago, I repotted a plant to a larger pot and was so pleased that it exploded, growing and thriving in ways that would not have been possible in the smaller pot. (Read https://www.thrivewell-being.com/blog/life-lessons-from-a-houseplant if you’d like.)
 
However, I just had a very different experience with a plant that also seems to provide a life lesson. I recently switched two plants, moving one to a bigger pot and the other to a smaller pot. As I expected, the plant in the now-larger pot has been growing and expanding. It looks so much happier.
 
What surprised me is the other plant. The plant I put in a smaller pot had not been doing very well. It was a plant I was even considering getting rid of. However, once I put this plant in a smaller pot, it began unfurling new leaves and expanding in a way I had never seen before. The smaller pot provided containment and limitations that have helped my plant thrive. What is the lesson here?
 
Sometimes we do need to take risks and move beyond our boundaries to grow and learn.  On the other hand, sometimes knowing our limits and boundaries gives us the structure we need to grow and move forward with a project.
 
Deadlines are one effective strategy to provide limitations and give us good motivation. A deadline could be a date when a project needs to be completed by. This allows you to break the project into small, reasonable and doable goals along the way to move you towards the ultimate deadline.
 
A deadline could be very short-term: a time limit.  I think of an example from my own life to illustrate this. When I was in high school, I was very involved with a community theater, and during a show, I had rehearsal every night 8-11pm.  Having to be done with my homework before rehearsal (deadline) helped me focus and finish it each afternoon. I wanted to be done before I had to leave for rehearsal. I always marveled that, after the show was over, it would take much longer to finish my homework. I think things may fill all the time you give them.
 
Another type of deadline could be applied to how you use a time strategy to get your work accomplished. One strategy that builds on this and has been useful to my clients is to work in short, focused, uninterrupted blocks of time (60-90 minutes). An example of this comes from work I was doing with a postdoc. She was having a lot of trouble being productive and getting her work done, so we tried this strategy. She would work on just one thing for brief focused blocks of time (this means no open email, phone is put away, etc..) a few times a day. When she started using this strategy and type of deadline, she found that she could concentrate and get everything done she needed.
 
Are you struggling with something that, if you put some structure in place, you would be more able to tackle it successfully? Consider how you can use a deadline to give you a limitation and boundary in a way that will help you move your work successfully forward.
 

Recently, I was overcome by tears of awe at the kindness of people. 
 
This is not an experience I often have, and it moved me. However, I have been reflecting more on awe recently as I had just finished a great new book by Dacher Keltner, Awe: The New Science of Everyday Wonder and How it Can Transform Your Life.
 
This book is about how awe can enhance and benefit our life.  It also discusses how there are different types of awe, and we can experience it in response to what he calls “the eight wonders of life”: the strength, courage and kindness of others; collective movement in actions like dance and sports; nature; music; art and visual design; mystical encounters; encountering life and death; and big ideas or epiphanies. I tend to have awe while seeing physical beauty or experiencing music, and suddenly finding myself crying in awe at the kindness of others surprised me.
 
Where I found myself in tears was in Missoula, MT in a park, while reading a giant sign. The sign tells the story of a man who wanted to build a carousel for the children of Missoula to enjoy.  To do this, he engaged a huge community of volunteers who helped him build the carousel, carve and restore the animals for it by hand, make the stained-glass windows, and build the building in which it would be housed.
 
So many people were involved in this project. School children collected over one million pennies to adopt four ponies. People from all over built horses and made the windows. People from as far away as Calgary, Canada gave of their time and themselves. When the carousel opened, four years later, over 100,000 hours of volunteer time had gone into this labor of love.
 
The kindness and efforts of this loving community are awe-inspiring. They worked together to build a magical place where children experience joy daily. I saw the kids lining up to go on the carousel before it even opened, so excited to get to ride on it. I watched the run to their favorite horse or chariot, smiling and screaming with happiness.
 
The love and community evidenced in this carousel illustrates one of the most important reasons why we are here: to love and support each other. This ideal and message can easily get lost in the hustle and bustle of life and in the dissent and conflict shown on the news. But, as I said in my very first blog post, we are all brothers and sisters in the human family. When we love and help others, we grow and benefit immensely.
 
Due to this, I ask you to take a moment today to help another, to show or share your love, or to go out of your way to make someone else’s life a little easier. It can be as small as texting a friend to let them know you are thinking of them, helping someone carry their groceries, or sending someone a thank you email. Bring about a bit of awe yourself as someone else experiences your kindness or love, and the world will be a bit brighter.
 

​Recently, I heard about two things that had me reflect on how important it is to pay attention to the life occurring right in front of you- and how often we are not doing this.
 
One of my coaching clients was discussing how he and his wife went out to dinner with another couple at one of their favorite restaurants. While he had a nice time and liked the couple they were getting to know better, he felt like there was a fifth person at the dinner- the other wife’s cellphone. She was frequently on it, and he found it distracting. She needed to identify the flowers planted around the patio. And she wanted to photograph many of the dishes when they arrived at the table. He found himself getting frustrated at all of this. He also felt that it was impacting his experience of the food and the night. He had just wanted to enjoy the conversation, the yummy food, and the lovely evening. And he wanted everyone to be experiencing the same thing together.
 
A few days later, I was watching a show I really enjoy, CBS Sunday Morning. There was a story about an amazing 7th grader. The driver of his school bus had a medical event, and this boy jumped in to stop the bus and save the day. He really was a hero. The story asked why no one else had helped with this situation as it was happening, and the answer really upset me. All the other students were on their phones. These are middle schoolers, around 13 years old, and they were all tuned out and tuned into their phones, oblivious of what was going on around them.
 
Now, maybe I’m old-fashioned, but when I took the bus home from middle school, buses were noisy. We sat next to friends. Students were laughing, talking, and gossiping. We were learning how to have conversations with other people in person, and we were learning more about who we were as individuals. These students are not having these experiences or learning these life skills. And they are not aware of what is going on around them.
 
These students are in very good company. This is modeled everywhere. When I walk down the street, sit in a coffee house, or ride the bus these days, most people are looking at their phones. When I see people walking their dogs, they are often looking at their phones as well and not paying attention to their dogs.
 
I am not meaning to come off anti-phone. I think cellphones are useful and have their place. However, when they interfere with us being in the present and experiencing our actual lives, I think this is a real problem. People are missing out on the richness of life when they are on their phones. They miss out on opportunities to engage with other people, even if it is just to smile or say hello at a person passing on the street. And being mindful and engaged are essential for our well-being and mental health.
 
I encourage you to put down your phone or turn it off at times. Look around you. Experience what you see and hear. Feel the breeze on your skin. Smile at a stranger. Experience and savor your food without needing to photograph it. And talk to your friend sitting next to you on the bus. For these are the memories you make and the life you build- and this is so much more valuable than getting another “like”.

​Recently, I was talking about stress management with a group of new teachers at a local school. As I talked about how a real vacation has many physical and mental-health benefits, some of the teachers discussed how they feel unable to really take time off even during their breaks. They feel that their work never really ends, and they take true pride in their identities as teachers.
 
I understand how difficult it can feel to take true time off, especially in education. However, I also know how imperative it is for our well-being that we all have time when we are 100% off-duty.
 
Some people can easily take vacation time. They take their personal time and put an automatic reply on their email -- and no one expects them to work while on vacation. When I used to work at clinics full-time, I enjoyed this privilege; however,  I know many individuals have very different experiences of vacation time.
 
Regardless of how difficult or easy it is for you to take real vacation time, we all need to truly recharge our batteries. When we are not working, we can relax and sleep, if that is what we need. We can take time to better connect with family and friends. And we can pursue activities that help us renew ourselves and increase our energy. This may be going to museums, lying on a beach, or doing something active, such as hiking or surfing.
 
Fulfilling our needs in this way helps lower our stress levels and increases our happiness. It gives us new ideas and inspiration for our work. And it charges us up, enabling us to return to work or the classroom, ready to tackle new challenges. And taking vacation time protects us from burnout so that we can continue doing work we are passionate about.
 
Another benefit to vacations is that we get excited about their planning and anticipate what it will be like. This excitement and anticipation is so helpful for our mental health. It is incredibly important in life that we regularly have things we are looking forward to. This can be a vacation- fantasizing about and planning our upcoming time off. It can also be smaller things, such as a day trip or a meal or concert with friends. This positive energy is so important in life.
 
So, if you find it is difficult to take true time off, put some energy into determining how you can actuate quality vacation time. This may mean blocking off some days of a school break and protecting those days truly for yourself, while knowing you may work on the other days. This may mean planning a vacation away home if this makes it easier for you to take real time off. Or, it may involve being with friends or family so that you spend time with them. Through trial and error, you will figure out what works for you.  And then you can start seeing how vacation time brings you so many benefits and enables you to keep doing the work that you love.
 
Let me know what strategies you try and what works. I’d love to hear more!

A few days ago, I was running errands in my neighborhood. As I passed a grassy park, I saw a young woman sitting in the middle of a field sitting by herself, sobbing. I struggled with whether I should leave her alone or see if I could help.  Sometimes it’s not clear what someone needs. I kept walking, and then I really felt like I should go see if she was ok. I backtracked, walked into the park, and approached her slowly and respectfully. I asked if she would like to talk, and she said she would.
 
I sat on the grass, and she started telling me her story. She has lived in Philadelphia for several years. She loves it here and feels that it is her home, where she has built her community. And she is moving across the country to attend art school in a couple weeks. She talked about how sad she feels at leaving and the pain of saying good-bye. And, as she talked, she kept judging her feelings and saying she shouldn’t be feeling this way.
 
Now, I have moved several times in my life, often for school or training, and I know how stressful and difficult it can be, even when the move is positive. And I know how fragile I feel when I move. I also know, as a psychologist, that moving and starting a new job or academic program are some of the most stressful things we can go through in life.
 
Stress can come from negative and positive life events. Distress is when stress comes from something painful or negative, such as losing a job or going through a divorce. But, what many people do not know is that stress comes from positive events too, such as getting married or having a baby, and it is called eustress.  
 
It is incredibly normal for us to have a variety of feelings from an event, even a positive one. As I sat with her and we talked, I validated that of course she is sad and hurting at the thought of moving and leaving her home and community, even when she is moving for such a great reason and to a beautiful place. That is definitely how I have felt when I moved in the past. So, yes, she can be excited about what is coming, and also it makes so much sense that she also feels sad and in pain. As Walt Whitman has said, “I am large, I contain multitudes.” We all contain multitudes, and, regarding our emotions, it is very normal to have very different emotions floating around at the same time.
 
So please remember this the next time you have a variety of feelings in response to an event. Be kind to yourself, and talk to yourself as you would a friend, with support and compassion. Yes, you can be excited, and you can also hurt and be sad. You contain multitudes.

​Recently, I was taking the bus to meet a friend for coffee. I found myself feeling cranky and annoyed about having to commute across the city just to go out for coffee and about the time it was taking to get there. My mind was having these negative thoughts that fed my irritation. Now, mind you, I had initiated this coffee date. And it was with a new friend who I wanted to get to know better.
 
So I took a mental step back and realized how my thoughts (and the cranky mood they were leading to) were not serving me well. I also had a moment to reflect on how this whole experience was something I had not been able to do recently due to the pandemic. I changed my attitude to one of gratitude. I recognized actually how fortunately I am that I CAN go meet with someone in person for coffee. I realized how wonderful it is to have the opportunity to work on making a new friend. And I also thought about how blessed I am that, as I started my business a few years ago, I now have the time and space in my life to meet someone for coffee on a weekday.  I mean, seriously- how lucky am I?
 
I gave myself a good talking-to, and I tapped into gratitude. I worked on turning my mindset around. Gratitude is a very powerful and positive practice to have in life. Research shows that having gratitude can improve our mood, relationships, and well-being. And I know all of this, as a psychologist and well-being coach. I have a gratitude practice where I keep a Gratitude Journal nightly. (See my previous blog post of 1/27/20 if you want to read more about my practice.) And I talk to my clients regularly about the importance of gratitude; however, it can be easy to lose sight of this practice when you are living your busy life.
 
When you notice yourself being annoyed by irritations, try to step back and appreciate what you are able to do. Appreciate when you connect with someone. Appreciate when you see something lovely or taste something yummy. Appreciate when you have small moments of pleasure, such as sitting in the sun for a few minutes or reading a book. We are all human and it is easy to lose sight of the special and positive aspects of our lives, especially as we get caught up in the business of everything. But when you notice yourself cranky or annoyed, give yourself a good talking to and figure out how you can change your mindset to one of gratitude. It will help your life feel more special and bring you more moments of joy and connection. So what is one small thing you are grateful for from today?
 

Something interesting that I have noticed over many years of doing therapy and coaching is that, at times, a theme emerges in your work. Several clients will come to me with similar challenges in a short period of time, and this really has me pay attention to this issue. Sometimes a theme emerges in your life as well, with friends or with people with whom you speak. When I consider someone’s well-being, I think about their physical, social, emotional, and spiritual well-being, and a recent theme I have encountered is related to social well-being.
 
Two friends have recently come to me discussing how a friend or relative does not ask them questions. One woman, “Sue”, started running with a neighbor during the pandemic. She was excited to have someone to hold her accountable, and she also thought it would be a really nice way to develop a friendship as they would have blocks of time to chat. Sue talked to me about how, while she had been excited initially to run with her new friend, she was noticing that she felt frustrated when she got home. She realized that her friend almost never asked her a question. Sue would ask her friend about how she was, how her weekend was, how the kids were doing, etc. Her friend never seemed to reciprocate, and this left Sue feeling that her friend was not interested in getting to know her or curious about who she was. Sue tried joking about this at one time to get her friend to ask how she was doing, but Sue’s friend did not ask more questions.
 
Another friend, “Bob”, talked to me about how his sister seemed very self-focused and almost never asked him questions. When they talked, she would tell him all about her job, her relationship, her upcoming plans; however, she did not ask him about his life. He felt annoyed and frustrated, and he noticed himself pulling back and having less time for her.
 
Sometimes when I was dating in the past, I would come home and realize, “My date didn’t ask me a single question the whole night!” That led me to feel that he had no interest in getting to know me- and it left me with no desire for a second date. One of the important ways I knew that my now-husband was someone I wanted to see a second time was that, on our first date, he asked me many questions and seemed interested in what I had to say. I loved this, and it was so refreshing for me, after so many solipsistic dates.
 
I think about tennis when I think about conversations. In a good conversation, there is a nice back-and-forth over the net. Both individuals share and ask questions, and they add to the conversation as it builds. On the other hand, when someone does not ask their conversational partner questions, it can feel like you are a just hitting balls against a tennis practice wall. You are putting all this effort in, and the wall just sits there. This one-sided conversation feels like it does not matter if you are there or not, and it feels like your partner really does not care about you or want to know you better.
 
I find trying to address this problem difficult, as this is something that that is very hard to change in someone. If your partner is someone that you trust and feel you can speak honestly with, you can carefully try to bring this up. You can let them know that it feels like they rarely ask you questions and explain how this feels to you. However, this is quite delicate and can only be done with someone who is open to feedback and willing to change. I find the other options tend to be to decide to accept the person as-is or to pull back some. In the most extreme cases, where you are engaging with someone who has proven time and again that they are not interested in asking questions and trying to know you, it might even make sense to think about ending the relationship if that is possible or desired.
 
Having been a therapist and coach for many years, I understand the power of the question. Questions show your conversation partner that you care, that you are listening, and that you want to know more about them. The right question can bring greater understanding or clarity for a person. And a good question can always provoke thought and richer conversation. In an intimate relationship, when both people ask questions and share in a mutually vulnerable way, this can really bring you both closer, and it is a foundation for a good friendship. And when interest and curiosity are not there, a relationship cannot really go deeper.
 
So I want to end with a couple questions for you: Have you experienced something like this in your life? And, if so, what did you decide to do?